The darkness engulfed me and built a black and mysterious shroud that covered me from head to toe. I tried to allow my eyes to adjust to my surroundings. I couldn't. As I sat on the floor, finding myself in this emptiness of black space; I had a feeling of claustrophobic in my surroundings. I tried to get up, but I couldn't. Something held me down. I tried to move my arms, but something cold and hard was around my wrist. This something limited my movement of my arms. I tried to move my feet, but these too, were tied down by something hard and cold. I breathed really hard trying not to panic. Waking up to this dark room, not knowing where I was panicked me a bit. My heart rate was going sky high as I gasped for breath. Not knowing if my surroundings had enough air to breathe, not knowing where I was frightened me and I felt fear crawled up my spine.
With each panic sensation in my body, I struggled to get up -- but nothing will accomplish this if I cannot see. Listening to this dark room would have helped, but the silence itself in this room was deafening. There was not one sound, not even the sound of my shallow breathing. I knew then that in this situation I found myself in, I had to calm down and chill a bit to figure out what I am to do. And that is mainly to figure out where I am. This dark room, these chains (what I figured them to be) tied me down to this place I find myself in. How did I ever get here? I wondered to myself. What is this room? Where am I? Trying to open the flood gates of my memories, even though distant they may be. I had to try to close my eyes again and open them -- hoping that this was all just a dream. Open my eyes I will, and find myself back to where I originally was. Where this was? I do not know. What I did before I found myself in this impossible situation, that I did not know either. Once again, not remembering the before that happened, began to panic my mind and my body started to shiver and shake as I began to become nervous. Still! I must be still and try to calm down and not let the craziness begin. O if the craziness does begin, the madness I will slumber into will be heart-wrenching indeed. What am I to do? WHAT am I to DO!?
Calm. Calmness began to build inside of me. Once again, I tried to see in this dark room. I was trying to figure it out where I am, by listening, by smelling, and darting my tongue to see if the air tasted different. Perhaps a little taste of the air will give me one tiny clue to what this room is. What this dark silence room meant. This place I find myself chained to. Apparently I was chained to this floor of hard concrete and cold metal. Yes, the floor is hard, and there is nothing soft about this situation I find myself in. I must, I really must calm down before madness takes a hold of me and draws me into insanity. I can't, I mustn't and I won't be mad. I have to be calm! I need to be calm so I can figure things out with a sharp mind. Calm. Calmness engulfed my body again.
Still, the darkness wrapped around me like black wrapping paper around a child's big toy. And the bows with dark blackness tied the box down like these chains tied me down. I tried to see through this darkness. The room itself, I could feel was small. How do I know if I couldn't see? I just know. I just feel it around me like this darkness I know is there because it just is. Now what am I to do if I can't see where I am? What am I to do about this situation I find myself in? I tried to recall what I did before I came here. No memory was recollected in the deep recesses of my brain. The deep and hallow halls of my memory banks could not find one iota bit of information to help me with the situation I find myself in now. All I could remember was darkness -- darkness and nothing more. O madness that starts to make me quiver with fear. Madness in my bones shook the very frame of my body. Again, I told myself, calm. Calmness reached my lips as I tried to speak out words that I didn't know I could speak. I cussed at the dark room; mainly I cussed at the nothingness around me. I shook my arms and legs, but the limited dexterity and the limited motion of my body allowed me to tense up. I felt the panic in my bones rise again. My breathing became even more rapid than ever. My breathing became hard -- what am I to do!? Anxiety was building up in me, for I hated not knowing. I hated not knowing where I was, and how I came to be here. This room had a psychological advantage over me. It was driving me insane! I was going crazy now, as my breathing became quicker with each rising heart beat. I could hear my heart make such a heavy noise, as if the burden of my soul rested there -- heavy with grief as I began to shake. I shook like the trees with weak branches as the wind shook the leaves down to the ground. I shook like these branches of a tree and shaking I wanted to just get up and run out of this dark room and find the light! Only I couldn't -- I was limited by the chains on my feet and my wrists. My body tense as my hands squeezed shut, trying to grasp at anything except these cold metallic chains around me. Suddenly I told myself, once again to be calm. Be calm! Be calm. Calmness was long ago gone, suddenly like an old friend it crept back into my body and I could feel the tenseness disappearing . . . My Body like a jellyfish felt fluid. I felt the darkness around me once again, but the darkness was my eyelids shutting down on me. That was when I gasped and dropped to the ground as the lights from the door suddenly beamed at me. I fell down in a heap, still chained, and still not knowing what was to become of me.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Blinking; I was blinking for the light blinded me. The door was ajar and there were noises. There was some noise of laughter -- it was loud. The men wore white uniforms. They held sticks that were pointy and they all had this stern look upon their face. The laughter died down as another man entered the room. He wore red and he didn't have stick in his hand. He entered with that of a dignified man. I was still chained to the floor and the light shone and illuminated my position in this room. I was in a holding cell. The chains limited me because I was their prisoner. The men chattered but silenced down as the man in red entered the room. He came upon me and faced me, and looked down at me for I was lying on the ground. I figured I probably fainted, but who knows how much time has gone? The man in red with his little mustache and beady black eyes stared at my own eyes that could finally see. I gazed away from him to look around me. This room was small, a holding cell as I mentioned, and the floor was indeed cold for it was metal. A metal floor could only mean one thing. Even with the white walls surrounding me, after the light illuminated the color of these walls -- I knew that now the metal floor could only mean one thing: this was an institution. An institution for what? I do not know. But by the look of these men surrounding me in their white uniforms and sticks that they hold -- I knew it was a serious and strict institution. I was institutionalized for something. I have no clue how I ended up here, but I am sure to find out by the man in red. He spoke briefly:
"Get up!" His words were harsh and mean. There was a stable tone to his voice. The men in white laughed again. The man in red's head swerved and scanned the men in white uniforms. His stern look stared at his people -- for they obeyed and silenced themselves quickly. I got up, but it was hard and the idea that I was here have not occurred to my mind yet. The madness that was there seemed to be gone. My mind was numb from the light that poured in from the halls. I couldn't see outside for the lights were blinding me. The light seems to illuminate the situation a bit. The man in red looked at me again and strenuously yelled at me to get up. "Get up!"
I got up. I stood before this man and the men surrounding me. I finally breathed a little easier now because the oxygen was fresh from the door that stood ajar. I stared around at all the mysterious faces that stared down at me. Finally, the man in red asked me a question that was unexpected: "Are you ready?"
I mumbled something and gasped, and tried my voice again: "For what?"
The man in red was angry, he was mean, and he was impatient as he explained: "You are free to go."
"Go where?" I asked, still confused by the situation. The dark room I was in made more sense than what this man was asking me. The men in white that surrounded me and supported this man in red suppressed a laugh. But it was too late, the man in red heard it and swerved his heard once more to his people and they silenced their laughter once again, promptly and with respect.
"To hell, of course. . ." The man in red simply replied.
"But why, I am not dead, I am not yet dead. . . “Now the calmness was evaporating, the fear trembled inside of me again. I pulled at my chained feet, and I pulled at the chains around my wrist. The man in red simply and calmly just looked at me. He was still waiting for my answer. What if I told him no, what would become of me? Will I still stay in this dark room and go insane until the day I said yes? Till I acknowledge to this man in red, that yes I am ready to go to hell.
The men in white awaited my answer as well. The impatience of this man in red appeared on his face, for his stern look became even meaner. He slowly squinted and gazed at me. He reached into his jacket and pulled out one key. Just a key that was black. Dark black like the darkness that enshrouded me hours ago -- was it an hour or two ago? I do not know. Time seem to have no meaning in this dark room.
"Why? Did I die already? What is this place!?" I asked in expiation.
The man in red smirked at me and with contempt in his voice said, "Oh you don't know? You don't know what this room is?"
The laughter of the men in white had the same smirk on their faces as well. The laughter died down again as the man in red once again shushed the men to be quiet. Approaching me with the key at hand and unlocking the chains that held me to this dark room, he stood a couple of paces back and turned to reveal the door with the glowing light that illuminated the room.
"Why you are in purgatory, my friend. You have suffered and now come to the crossroads between heaven and hell. Guess where you are going? And this key that I now hold in my hand here will give you the answers." He demonstrated the key by holding it in his index finger and thumb, grasping it by the bottom tip -- the part that goes into a door. What door, and where will that door lead me, I do not know. The key was black and the man holding it wore red, while the congregation behind me wore white. I knew by the way this man was mean, how he scolded me to get up and how the laughter filled the once dark room with devious noise. I knew by looking at this man that the key that he held was for only one place and that one place I dread more than this dark room.
The man in red handed me the key and I took it in my hands. The movement was at ease now; I could move my legs and arms for I was not chained anymore. The very key that gave me my freedom in which I am able to move about this dark room. I followed the light and stepped to the door frame where the illuminated was behind me as I turned back to the men in white who still hold their wands in their hands, and looking back at the man in red -- his smirk was still there. His eyes gazed at my every move and he asked again: "Do you know where you are going my friend?"
I shook my head and silently said no. I mouthed these words, but in the back of my mind I thought to myself: Anything is better than this dark room.
Anything?
The black key I held in my hand and I walked into the light. The crowd of men in white watched me as I walked into the light. The last thing I saw was the man in red still with his smirk on his face and his eyes were menacingly looking at me as I continued to go into the light. The key in my hand started to burn my skin, but I held on, and I know this was my pain. This was my punishment for sins. This was the key that I held that will lead me to another room, and the key that I put into the door that I will face will have to be opened wit his very key. And I will be walking into the room with the same four walls of white, and the hard concrete floor and on that floor in the middle of the room will be the very same chains that held me before. Free I was for only a brief moment of time to once again use the black key to chain myself to the floor and toss the key away. Then as I close my eyes to accept the darkness once again, I will start to feel the panic raise in me as I begin to flutter my eyes open in an hour or in two hours; then I will find myself enveloped once again in darkness. The place I will find myself again will be this dark room. The very dark room that the man in red had led me into led me to believe that my sins are not repented. My insanity built up here and then, as the fears allowed me to scream and be lost in this mysterious dark room.
Ah, darkness here! Here in this room. The dark room that I find myself chained to. The darkness that is there, and chases my demons here on, forevermore!
Photo Permisson: Accessed and Copied on Web from: http://www.cybertrn.demon.co.uk/guardian/door.jpg
June24, 2008
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